The Attraction Serenade
Today’s Under the Glass addition is a guest post by Chris Reed of Talent Revolution. We’re so grateful for the amazing and inspiring men who support our site, that we’ve decided to expand our honorary Alices category to include honorary Mad Hatters. Chris is our first. Though we could easily write an entire post showcasing his talents in writing, branding, speaking, photography, music, and more, we’ll let his post speak for itself, as it so eloquently does. Brace yourselves, ladies.
Attraction is a strange thing.
Let me begin by saying that I’m not an expert, and I have no scientific research to support any of my ideas. In fact, you should probably know that I’m an outlier. I’m an outlier in more ways than I care to admit. But, what I do know is this:
Attraction cannot be defined for us. It is defined by us.
Sure. Others try to define attraction for us, they make the judgments as to what is beautiful or not, and they give us endless ways to improve our own attractiveness. The sad part is that many of us succumb to these definitions, remaining unaware of the evolution of our own definitions, getting trapped in another tired, gender-based joke for use by any given comedian.
The laws of attraction evolve. Rapidly. And just so we’re clear, looks do matter. But not in the ways most people think they do. Case(s) in point, and in chronological order:
Third Grade
Fresh off a year of sneaking into the basement to listen to KISS on my parents’ 8-track (what in the hell were they doing with an 8-track of KISS anyway?), I discovered a girl for the first time as something other than a classmate. She wore Jordache jeans and Ocean Pacific t-shirts. A LOT.
Fourth Grade
I rejected the crushings of a girl who, a few years later, became the recipient of my affections, letters, poems, and every waking thought. Traded those crushings for the girl that every other guy in the class liked. At that point, it was ALL about looks…and who you’d most like to play “Truth or Dare” with at the next birthday party hosted by a friend with ADD-afflicted parents.
Fifth Grade through Ninth Grade
See Fourth Grade.
Tenth Grade
This is when I first knew. I know what many of you are thinking: “That’s way too young to know anything.” BS. I told you already. I’m an outlier. Remember the girl that I rejected during Fourth Grade? She suddenly reappeared the summer of my sophomore year, only this time as more than a friend, more than a classmate. She reappeared as a vision in a black bikini.
I will admit that, yes, I was initially drawn to her on-the-surface attractiveness, and that, yes, I was a teenage boy engrossed in all things typical of most American, juvenile males. At that point in time, I had experienced the business side of alcohol consumption, was a starter on the varsity football and baseball teams, snuck out of my home during all hours of darkness and, during the summer months, worked for the city with my friends. Which means that I mostly used a weed eater in parts of town that only received a weed trim once a year. Which means that, between the hours of 7:30 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. on weekdays, I was usually covered in sweat and grass.
Which means, of course, that’s the way I looked when I rediscovered her. Told you. Attraction is a strange thing. And it often features inconvenient timing.
Eleventh Grade through High School Graduation
Black Bikini Girl and I became very close friends during these years, and my attraction to her began to evolve. I developed an awareness of attraction outside of the physical. I was noticing actions. Mannerisms. Phrases. Stances. Expressions. I was falling in love. Falling hard.
It was one of those relationships that almost was, the kind that you fall asleep at night wondering how amazing things would be if that one person had the same feelings for you as you had for them. But, I was the man on the side. I was the man learning a lesson. I was a man whose definition of attraction was evolving.
And, I spent a number of the following years trying to stop it.
Enter Adulthood
Like I said earlier, looks matter. That doesn’t mean we’re all attracted to supermodels. All it means is that we’re attracted to people that we, as individuals, find attractive. For me, it has nothing to do with hair color, height, body type, etc. I can’t even define it. I think it’s a very personal picture for each of us.
The most important thing that Black Bikini Girl taught me (indirectly) is to look for the things that captivate me.
Attraction, captivation, is found in the details. Like the way a person effortlessly uses the word “chat” instead of “talk.” Like that expression a person gets when they’ve concentrated their focus to words on a page. Like the way a person laughs so beautifully that you can’t wait to hear it again. Like the fluid motion they make with their right hand to put their hair behind their ear. Like the way they smiled in that picture. Like the way they look with no makeup and dressed to not impress. It’s ALL about looks. Except these looks don’t grace the cover of magazines. Those details, those looks, create a serenade of attraction.
And the only thing that sings it is ourselves.
“Attraction, captivation, is found in the details….” What you paint in this paragraph, Chris, is the true definition of beauty.
Inner beauty. Outer beauty. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to learn they are not as separate as the most people try to make it.
Have you ever noticed that as you get to know someone they actually appear more handsome/beautiful than when you first met them? Or someone you thought was gorgeous, after a few arguments, doesn’t appear to be the movie star as they once did?
Eventually, inner beauty or ugliness catches up to everyone on a physical level, as well. First, outer beauty fades and people focus on your inner qualities more. Secondly, if “scorn” has defined your face for thirty years, you’ll have marks on your face that will be impossible to remove without plastic surgery. And lastly, inner beauty just makes you look younger, even if you have a face full of wrinkles.
Speaking of wrinkles: We are all going to get them, regardless of what we do. Might as well get wrinkles that come from a lifetime of joy, than a lifetime of anger or haughtiness.
Working on my smile lines,
Aaron
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Aaron,
Thanks so much for your comments. Very well said.
For whatever reason, what you had to say brought back memories of something I once heard. I apologize for butchering it as I paraphrase:
“Just remember that for every incredibly attractive person you see walking down the street, there is someone else wishing they weren’t (or happy they are no longer) involved in a relationship with them.”
On a more positive note, I’m with you in your description of what carrying too much scorn can do to a person. While scorn doesn’t quite make an indelible mark on my life, it certainly wouldn’t hurt if I worked on my smile lines too.
Chris
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I’m with Aaron; the description of details IS what captivates me. So lovely, Chris.
Speaking of outliers, my girlfriends and sisters have a running joke that I have, hands down, the most peculiar “reasons” for attraction.
People who make me laugh, or people who give good “conversation,” especially about seemingly meaningless things, captivate me.
I think what I take from this piece, though, is that if it’s possible to have someone notice all those tiny things about you, it’s important to have that. If it’s possible to have someone care for you more, the longer they get to know you, it’s important to have that, too.
I loved this: “I think it’s a very personal picture for each of us.”
So true. And so important to spend time with just yourself, quietly, envisioning that picture so that the first shiny thing that flies by doesn’t distract us.
But how important is it also to spend time, when we think you’ve found that picture, quietly observing whether or not they look at you in a way that testifies *you* are that picture for *them*, and not just a shiny thing that caught their attention.
Great stuff, Reed. And so beautifully written.
Thank.You.Very.Much.For.Stepping.Up.As.First.Man.In.The.Clubhouse.
Very brave,
Jen
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Jen,
It truly is an honor to be a Hatter. To have played a small role in what you incredible women are doing here has been infectious. In a good way.
Loved everything you had to say in your comments, but the reference to both seeing and being a “shiny thing” definitely resonates. I think that as we grow in self-awareness, the ability to spot the shiny thing for what it is becomes much more acute. However, I wonder if the flip side ever becomes easier to discern.
On a more personal note, for you to say something is beautifully written means more than you could know.
Chris
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Loving the first Mad Hatter! This is beautifully written.
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Chris Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Liz,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! Very happy to hear that you enjoyed it…
Chris
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Chris,
Your writing rocks. It digs and unearths truths that we all hold dear here at LGL. Thank you sincerely for your post.
Well, I for one, feel delighted for the omission of a “no boys allowed” sign on the clubhouse! Chris. This one held me enraptured. Sensual honesty. A look into the mind and soul of a personal favorite of mine
Welcome Mr. Hatter. This place just got a lot cooler and coincidentally, a bit hotter.
your photographer and CRFC prez. (wearing aforementioned hat now)
Leigh
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Leigh,
As prez of the LCFC, you should know that extensive testing of said hats is scheduled to begin any day now.
Thank you for your incredibly kind compliments. As for making the place “hotter,” don’t think that’s possible.
And, since you ARE my photographer, I would like to put in a request that I never have to do a self-portrait again.
Thrilled that you enjoyed the glimpse,
Chris
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@fleurdeleigh Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
FYI. Guitar is a required prop at the next photo shoot, or no dice. And of course, the LCFC “El Presidente” bedecked hat.
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Chris Reply:
August 10th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Leigh,
Deal.
I’ll bring the guitar.
You bring the hat.
We’ll roll the dice.
Chris
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Beautiful!
The whole thing was captivating, but I can’t help but agree that the last few paragraphs absolutely drew me in. It’s all those things that you might not really think about at the moment, but that you can’t get out of your mind later.
Love it! And I love the Mad Hatter idea!!
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Chris Reply:
August 7th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Ashley,
Thank you for your comments, and for taking the time to do so. Truly.
Funny how the things that captivate you seem to linger long after the fact.
Chris
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With pipes like that and a guitar, please explain to me how I’m supposed to care about this article. What’s that you say? It’s all about inner beauty? Oh, alright. But can I have the rights to post this pic on my own blog anyway? I’ll be starting it on Monday and could use some sticky-ness.
PlayBIG,
Amy
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Amy,
First of all, your intro of “pipes like that” is quite possibly the best intro of a comment EVER. Forgive me for the Jerry Maguire quote but, you had me at hello.
Secondly, I fully expect (alright, hope) to receive a link to your blog. In the very near future. Rights to the photo are negotiable and contingent upon your generosity.
Chris
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Chris Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
P.S. For the record, I never said it was ALL about inner beauty.
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dreamy post. giggles to my girls, esp amy b and her hi-larious comment above and chri’s equally adorable response. after this post? hell yeah boys are allowed.
feeling extra coozie wam inside. feeling (as i read this lushious liquid piece) this is how my-man luvs me, and smiling. the way he looks at me with new eyes. the way he notices. will never cease to shock and delight me. what a gift to love and be loved in this way. attraction. captivation. details. yum.
suzanne
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Chris Reply:
August 11th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Suzanne,
I must say, I truly appreciate what you had to share. Absolutely love the fact that you were able to easily apply those things to your own life, with your own definitions.
Also gotta say, you made me laugh. And just so you know, I think I’m going to begin tagging all my posts with “luscious liquid piece.” I’ll credit you. Promise.
Grateful to be allowed in the clubhouse,
Chris
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Ria Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 1:27 am
(You only have to credit her three times, then it’s yours. Actually, that’s what SUZANNE says!!!)
I was off to bed when I thought I’d take a peep in the club house… how much I miss when I decide to fly off to New York for a few days! Chris… wow… that’s some serenade.
… like the way he notices every detail and strings them together in prose that make my heart race…..
Sweet dreams, loves and lovers!
Ria
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Ria,
I’m thinking that mentioning it in my comment counts as credit #1. Two more to go.
My apologies for encouraging a racing heart. Honestly, your own “like the way” has a similar effect.
Welcome back!
Chris
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Suzanne Tucker Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Chris,
That’s what friends are for! Ria’s always got my back. And she’s right. When I read your reply this was the first thing that ran through my head…. my father-in-laws saying, “I’ll give you credit three times, and after that it’s mine.” I’ve given him FAR more than 3 for this. That said, 2 more credits from you and counting… I’m honored. And it really would drive traffic to your posts…
Next week I think I’m working Rumi or love poetry of some sort into my weekly post ’cause based on the comments (including mwa’s) BOY did you have the temp in this old drafty clubhouse up. Good for the soul.
Suzanne
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Chris Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Suzanne,
Love that you bring up sayings such as the one you quoted. Reminds me of my Dad. I credit him often. Probably more than I realize.
Still quite blown away by the comments, and growing increasingly honored to be the first Hatter. Judging by the original members of the clubhouse and the wonderful commenters, I feel confident in saying that it was never “old” or ”drafty” to begin with.
So for next week, I say, “bring it.”
Chris
Chris,
I like that you took your memories of attraction back to when you were young. Whenever anyone asks me what type of guy I’m looking for, I always remember something that I told my mom when I was 4 (not that I remember saying it, but she says I did). I had a crush on this little boy in my pre-school class. We used to hold hands during Sesame Street and he gave me a rose made out of paper for Valentine’s Day. My mom asked why I liked him, and apparently I looked at her like that was the dumbest question in the world and responded, “He makes me laugh.”
It truly is in the details. (And I still have that rose he gave me)
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:29 am
Amy,
I think you bring up a significant point and, in the process, provide a wonderful example. Those first memories of attraction can’t help but shape our “grown-up” definitions of attraction. Right?
When you said, “I looked at her like that was the dumbest question in the world,” the first word that came to mind was “perfect.” Followed by a big smile.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Truly.
Chris
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That’s a beautiful piece and I’m thankful I got to read it. It’s always terrific to hear the male perspective on the subject because normally I only hear the female side UNLESS I’m reading a dumb magazine featuring Jaguars, golf clubs and women half nekkid. A men’s mag.
My main attraction and this has always been the case, is people who make me laugh. I’m a sucker for laughs. I have no “type” that I literally stick to. I do have a type though, of course there is “a look” my eyeballs are drawn to, but I don’t glom on to it in relationships. That would be so limiting and also condescending to those I become close too. Regardless of how every time I see that certain “look” I go wobbly in the knees, it’s still the laughter I’m most smitten with. I really doubt that will ever change. I’d rather laugh all day than have sex all day.
I’d rather laugh than eat. Actually I also enjoy laughing WHILE DOING both of the above. As long as I have no food in my mouth at the time.
LAUGHS…
The sad part is that many in my experience who make me laugh the hardest wind up being the most miserable souls. This is only from my experience. And it’s “sad” because I end up no longer laughing.
To me, laughter is one of the only things that never ages and when I’m old and rickety it will be what I need to help me get through the day. It’s already what I use (and abuse) to stay alive in this preposterous world.
Attraction is fascinating. It’s interesting to try and trace back how your own “attraction” came about. Mine is on Mars, there was no one I can remember who looked anything like the “look” I am most drawn too. NO ONE. Hmmm…
But enough of my Navel Gazing.
Terrific piece. Very well said. And congrats on being open minded to love.
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