Man on the Side
Today’s post follows up Mr. Chris Reed’s first (and widely read) LookingGlass appearance, The Attraction Serenade. By day, Chris is a brand catalyst and writer for Talent Revolution, but like many of us, as you’ll see below, he writes differently by night. As you can see by the self-portrait, he’s not too shabby as a photog, either.
Watching a life play out from afar, a life you dream of making a party of two, is everything you think it would be. Watching that life play out from afar, with you not in it, covers all the adjectives.
It’s easy to feel sorry for the man on the side, easy to offer him comfort and reassurance with a phrase like, “She doesn’t deserve you.” In fact, it’s a miracle that the man on the side doesn’t feel sorry for himself.
Except, he doesn’t have time to feel that way.
He’s too busy writing the next love letter, making the next mix tape, searching for the map that shows the path to your heart. The thing is, that path always seems crowded with runners much more interesting than the man on the side.
Before I go any further let me just say, I have been the man on the side. But, if you’re reading this, you already deciphered that part.
Up until a certain point in my life, there was a part of me that believed I could write my way into the life of another. My belief was flawed. That life I was trying to write my way into would always be out of reach. Never enough ink. Never enough paper.
No matter what I wrote, no matter how many times I wrote it, no matter how many different words I used, it was never enough.
Things you should know about the man on the side:
1. He respects women. Very much so.
2. He has, at one point in the distant past, physically expressed his displeasure at a public display of disrespect towards a woman.
3. He will never approach you with a worn out pick-up line unless, of course, he knows you very well and knows you’ll take it as the joke it is.
4. Because of his quiet nature, he is often considered to be shy, sometimes even a prude. I assure you, neither is the case.
5. He lives life to a soundtrack.
6. When he falls, he falls hard.
7. He’s equipped to handle the heartache, and kinda likes it.
8. He’s also an ass. In many different ways.
You might be asking, “Why is he an ass?” The answer, primarily, is that he is selfish. Selfish not only to the object of his affection, but also selfish to himself. That combination never opens the locker. It’s the expectation of the whole thing. It’s the expectation of receiving something in return that is unfair to place on the shoulders of two people who, in the end, are just looking for happiness.
I’d like to think that we’ve all been in that situation at some point. Wishing, and maybe even attempting to write, ourselves into the life of another. Hoping that fate would somehow, some way, make our scribbled words become that late night walk on the beach. That somehow, that person would finally realize the incredible lyrics waiting to be written.
Fortunately (that’s right…fortunately), it doesn’t seem to work that way. And that’s okay. Eventually, we learn to be content. We learn to not be quite so selfish, especially to ourselves. We learn that some things are simply not meant to be. We learn to pay attention to the signs and that when things are meant to be, we don’t have to try so damn hard.
Being the man on the side taught me to just give. To simply do what I do. To simply be what I am. The man on the side is now a memory, a glimpse in the mirror of what once was. However, if I wrote him a letter today, I couldn’t help but say…
“Thanks for the soundtrack.”
“Selfish not only to the object of his affection, but also selfish to himself.”
That line really smacked me, Reed. So true. And I said this to you before, but it reminds me of Hornby’s writing. It’s an excellent example of telling a whole truth.
And, mostly, I loved the conclusion. It really is that simple. I believe that.
But like I said last time, one of these times, you’re going to have to tell us all the WHOLE story.
We’ll get it out of you.
Seriously loved this. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
J
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Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Jen,
Thank YOU for having me. Really. We’ll see about the rest of the story. As always, it means more than you know when you like something I’ve written.
Chris
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“No matter what I wrote, no matter how many times I wrote it, no matter how many different words I used, it was never enough”…….well said….so very true….
Thanks for sharing this with us ladies……dont tell anyone but sometimes I almost briefly wonder what you dudes are thinkin…..
#assslap
XOXO
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Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
@singlemomma_cc,
Love that you added “almost” and “briefly” to your short confession. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. And for the #assslap.
Chris
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Chris – is this going to form part of a larger body of work? (I know you’re working on writing something at the moment – will the attraction serenade and this link up as part of a love story?)
I understand the “other man” entirely. Its a position half fatally doomed from the start.
#plays the Buzzcock’s “Ever fallen in love with someone (you shouldn’t have fallen in love with)”#
There’s a WORLD of difference between the other man, and the lothario. The other man isn’t trying to be destructive, he just falls for someone at the wrong time. If he’d arrived, and known his feelings before or after the relationship he’s “crashing”, then it wouldn’t even be an issue.
The other man’s mantra is “I would be better for you”. So he keeps on writing, offering an ear, a shoulder, his heart. Still the ink flows, the writing becomes desperate, pained. The nib on paper distracts from the impossibility.
Then comes the tipping point. Reality intrudes. The realisation.
If it ISN’T meant to be, he writes himself out of the story.
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
John,
Damn. I wish I’d said THAT. You totally read my mind with your comments. I’m only half kidding when I say this but, I might have to consult with you on some ghost writing on my posts. Thanks so much for adding your thoughts. Truly.
As far as the larger body of work, I don’t know. For me, writing anything beyond 500 words feels like kind of a stretch. I’ve never really seen myself as a novelist, basically because I have this preconceived notion that I’m no good with describing necessary details. The fact of the matter is: I’ve never tried. We shall see.
Along those same lines though, I DO have an idea.
Chris
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I think you’re wrong. You can write your way into another heart. Even as a man on the side.
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Jen Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Holy hell, BigLittleWolf. Just read the post to which your name links.
EVERYONE SHOULD READ THAT.
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Thank you. Incredibly kind of you. (And Chris’s piece was wonderful. But words are a powerful force, as I suspect he knows.)
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Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
BigLittleWolf,
Jen is right. EVERYONE should click on your name and read your post. Goodness. Still thinking about that one.
Thank you for your wonderful compliment. And for the record, you ARE right. I probably should have been more specific when I said what I said.
Chris
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BigLittleWolf Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Thanks, Chris.
But I want to come back to your concept of on the side. It’s a bit like the nature / nurture conundrum. There is no simple answer; it’s not a binary proposition. Perhaps some of us are more predisposed to be on the side, or more comfortable with it. Those of us who observe (by nature and by profession) need to be comfortable with it or we couldn’t do what we do. But circumstances play a role as well, and may marginalize us from our social networks (in the “real” world). Once set in motion, the combination of a predisposition (or tolerance) for periphery + disenfranchising circumstances = person on the side.
There are ripple effects. Personal, professional. I think it can happen both personally and professionally. It’s an interesting issue. It reverberates. And American culture perpetuates those on the side being marginalized more than some other cultures.
Perhaps the follow-up questions are – is it a problem, and how much? If so, what can you do about it?
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This — this has left me breathless, trembling, feeling beautifully hijacked:
“Up until a certain point in my life, there was a part of me that believed I could write my way into the life of another. My belief was flawed. That life I was trying to write my way into would always be out of reach. Never enough ink. Never enough paper.”
Yes. And that Yes shoulders a lot of ache.
That flawed belief has finally softened into the realization that, rather than writing myself into the life of another, it’s finally time to craft some juicy sonnets to myself.
And soundtracks? Man, do I have soundtracks.
“On the Side”
Maps – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I’ll Be Your Lover, Too – Van Morrison
No One’s Gonna Love You – Band of Horses
What a Wonderful Game – Damion Suomi
It’s Not True – William Fitzsimmons
The Fear You Won’t Fall – Joshua Radin
Academia – Sia
Its replacement is now on repeat:
The New Kid Revival – Her Space Holiday
Dancin with Myself – Billy Idol
Diamonds and Gold – Langhorne Slim
The Comeback – Shout Out Louds
Stay Positive -The Hold Steady
Suddenly I See – KT Tunstall
And this one, still, because we’ve got to hope.
Throw Your Arms Around Me – Eddie Vedder and Ben Harper (Hunters and Collectors Cover)
Hope you’re rockin’ a new soundtrack, too, Chris.
[Reply]
Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Jen,
Incredible soundtrack. I love that yours has evolved, and love that you shared it. Checkin’ iTunes now.
Although I love all kinds of music and listen to it frequently, I can’t say that I’ve ever gotten past my soundtrack. I revisit it quite often, usually when I’m doing any kind of writing. Seems like I write better when it’s playing in the background, regardless of the topic.
Wishing you brilliantly crafted self-sonnets,
Chris
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This man on the side is a keen observer. His self-awareness is probably one of his attractive traits but I have often wondered what keeps him and all the others like him on the sidelines. Okay, I’ll answer that for myself, since I was effectively “content” on the sidelines for 12 years… always puzzled at what others had that eluded me.
I had lost my mirror, as BigLittleWolf said. I was trying sooooo hard to create that party of two that I ever so slowly gave away MY territory, all the the things that I believed and loved and enjoyed. That life called “marriage” was full of him and none of me and that is how I became the woman on the side, in more ways than one.
I probably would have continued to waste away because of… oh, obligation and jeez, the sheer investment in time, had I not looked into the eyes of my children and seen the legacy I was giving them. Did I want MY daughter to give away her soul like that? Hell, no!
Perhaps this is a woman’s tendency, a trap we fall into, to give ourselves away. So now I stand on many soapboxes saying, “Show up in your life!” My tango instructor once said, “We are a nation of spectators. YOU can dance… so stop watching and get up!”
What puts man or woman on the side, no one but ourselves. Fortunately, it is also ourselves that can write our way back to center. As Chris wrote, “To simply be what I am.”
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Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Ria,
As you so eloquently stated, being a person on the side does not discriminate based on gender. It is equally fair. And unfair.
You might be right. It might be more of a woman’s tendency than a man’s. Either way, you are also right when you say that we put ourselves in that place.
Thank you so much,
Chris
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Great piece Chris. I don’t know if I’m far off base but I read this MORE as you being the man on the side to yourself, sans relationship with anothe HUman 24/7. However since we all have to make a living and not always at doing what we truly want to be doing, many of us wind up being the ‘person on the side’ in order to fill the job requirements.
As soon as we get off work we slip back into the person we prefer to be…
On the relationship tip, anyone who has been on the side is lucky because they learn what they need most to become front and center. Many people have no idea what they truly need to be the lead and what they truly need in their dance partner. It’s more than a few in sync steps on the dance floor, of course… Looks like you’ve learned how to lead and be led. Both are needed skills.
Cheers mate!
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Chris Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Tina,
So right. And, honestly, I hadn’t considered your first paragraph while I was writing this piece. YOU opened my eyes to that.
And I love that you did.
A heartfelt “cheers” to you,
Chris
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Hey Chris and Jen,
Sorry to hijack this thread, but I don’t think that this site has a place for general comments.
I just wanted to quickly wish Ria Sharon a happy birthday. I’m a December baby, too, and I know how holiday birthdays can sometimes be lost in the shuffle. So I hope you get to have some time to enjoy yourself and hopefully spend some time with your friends and family.
God Bless,
Aaron
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